29th June
Finished last night at a meat reastaurant where they threw together a vegetarian meal for me.
Inbar, our guard with a gun, saw me crying as I got off the bus and I felt like a lame, attention seeking doofus. She was more than sweet and when I told her what was up, I knew she had been there too, and wasn't just telling me she knows how I feel. I don't think I've ever felt the loss of a life as hard as I'm feeling Adam's.
One of our group leaders, Yonit, uses words like 'funtivity' and says things like 'rock on' - it's hard to keep my cynicism at bay but it seems as if she is genuinely excited to be sharing this trip with us.
This morning we started by visiting a lookout on the Syrian border which used to be a bunker for Israeli soldiers during wartime. Daniel, our tour guide, gave us a brief explanation of the Six Day War, including the fact that Israel decided to strike pre-emptively even after the UN asked them not to. (This is a terribly abridged explanation of an explanation, please wiki it or something if you care to.) I am here to learn more about my history and hopefully to come to believe in the plight of Israel, but I struggle when I hear things like this...
In the afternoon we went rafting - it was super empowering. Tara, Daniella, Yael and I shared a rafty thing, and at first I was pretty nervous because I'm used to being really uncoordinated. Tara and I ended up rowing the whole way - it was great! Yael and Daniella lay back, and with each stroke of the oar I felt more and more pissed off at myself for indulging this self-image where I don't know how to do things. We were fast, and efficient, and made it to the end before most of the group. Then we stood around for a while and just Israeli-watched (which is kind of like people-watching, but more aesthetically pleasing).
Visited a kibbutz on the border of Lebanon where we were given a brief talk by Aryeh - contender for most interesting man in the world. His motto is basically "this is what I think, if you don't like it I don't give a shit." Quite amazing to sit with him, literally looking into Lebanon, while he gave the finger to the UN helicopters that fly overhead daily and talked to us about his convictions.
He's got the kind of face that has really lived, and I have to forgive a man like that his opinions, whether I agree with them or not. He's staunchly pro-Israel and anti-peace-at-any-cost, and he has no fear. He reminds me a little of what Pierre may have been like had he not turned his anger inward.
Evening - 8pmish
I'm not even sure I want to write... I'm afraid of what might come out. Another flood from my eyes and mind tonight. I am told so often that I am "too" emotional, or "too" sensitive, but is there such thing? What's the yardstick? I just feel the way I feel...
I logged online for the first time since I'd left to find that Chris had joined facebook. This led to me looking through his photos and finding moments I'd forgotten - my hair shorter, his arm around me. It was almost like being a stranger meeting us as a couple at the time. Looking at us from the outside. It made me think about all the things we've done together, the places we've been. My writing has gotten so shit that it's doing these thoughts little justice - just routine sentimentality, I guess.
I want things. He did not/could not always give them to me.
How much does that matter? Love doesn't listen... maybe love is deaf, not blind.
I wanted him to tell me I look pretty when I cry, instead of being burdened by my tears (clearly I'm a crier, that's never going to change. but then... if I couldn't change, why should he? my thoughts chase each other, in circles).
I want to be loved so hard that my other would die a little without me.
But.
I want my lover back.
I want to wake up and have him put on some music I hate while he walks around in his underwear. I want to be a family again.
Have we fucked everything?
(schizophrenic internal monologue says:
if he read this, he would think how dramatic and overly complex i am.
so how can i feel good about the way my brain works?
i want him to make me feel like my mind is his favourite place!
he would probably think that is a huge responsibility and that feeling good about myself is a job that should fall to me...
but i think it's about balance.)
On a slightly seperate note, I think it's pretty universal for a woman to want her man to make her feel like a supermodel instead of admiring other forms... there's nothing worse for me than having my man admire an airbrushed woman (regardless of how good his taste is, and the fact that he's smart enough not to like skinny girls)... we know they're hot - that's why they're models/actresses/b-grade celebrities. I think we all want to feel like we are the only ones who belong in the fantasy. I wonder if it's because of this desire that I never notice women doing this... commenting on hotness or drooling in front of their men. Some kind of subconscious treat others how you wish to be treated? Fuck I can ramble...
I feel like vomiting or dying.
Not sure which.
Later
At our end-of-the-day group meeting, Yonit asks why I missed dinner and I tell her that I'm incredibly emotional and have been in my room crying. Inbar says I am a real Israeli woman - ha! "Like a cool bartender from Tel Aviv" she says. I'll take that, especially from a cute girl with a gun.
We split into small groups for a tie in session, which sort of turns into an even smaller group having a philosophical discussion with Rabbi Yisroel. I address a lot of my doubts with him, and he's a smart and understanding guy, but there's still too much I can't swallow.
30th June
On our morning bus ride Tim develops a new weapon - his index finger nail. The attack comes with the tagline 'I'll slice ya!'
Visited a preschool for special needs kids in Sefat. The area was kind of ghetto and super religious - it sort of broke my heart.
After leaving them (too soon), we visited a bunch of synagogues and a super enthusiastic guy called Avraham who spoke to us a little bit about Kabbalah. I think people generally found him inspiring and funny, but he sort of grossed me out. He actually seemed high on Kabbalah, and used words like 'awwwwesome' and 'blissed out'. A little much for me.
We were given some time to walk around and shop...
We stuck with Inbar through the cobblestoned lanes full of jewellery and art vendors, and discussed the merits of haggling. Ate my first (but not last) felafel in Israel!
The days are so full on and I tend to fall asleep a lot on the bus between places. Headphones in my ears, view in my eyes. Lots of Bjork, Deftones, Fiona, Beck, Portishead, Buck, Team Sleep.
These are everywhere...
They took us to the place where a really important rabbi was buried (you can see I am absorbing lots of detail). It's regarded as a highly spiritual place and I surprised myself by doing something like praying for the first time in many years. If things come good for mum + dad, I may have no choice but to become a believer.
Ended the day at a winery that bored the crap out of me, so while everybody else got drunk on wine tasting, I sat and spoke with Inbar and Yonit for a while. I told them a little about my mind mush regarding Christopher, and we discussed the pros and cons of Israeli men.
Inbar said, "Talia, you could have any man you wanted."
She's so sincere it makes me want to die.
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